Your Emotions (or Your Kids') Aren't Wrong. Here's What They Are.
I had a parenting moment of clarity this morning, snuggled up on the couch in our pajamas with my kids, watching Inside Out 2. As we watched Riley’s new emotions—Anxiety, Envy, and Embarrassment—wreak havoc in her teenage brain, it struck me how perfectly the film illustrates a concept I often discuss with clients, a perspective championed by psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy of Good Inside. Our emotions are not who we are; they are signals, messengers providing us with vital information about our internal and external world.
Dr. Becky often talks about the idea that all feelings are welcome, but all behaviors are not. This simple yet profound statement reframes our entire understanding of emotions, especially the big, messy ones that can feel so overwhelming in both ourselves and our children. Anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear aren't "bad" emotions to be suppressed or ignored. Instead, they are valuable cues. Anger might signal a boundary has been crossed. Sadness can point to a loss that needs to be grieved. Anxiety, as we see so clearly in Inside Out 2, is often a well-intentioned, albeit sometimes overzealous, attempt to protect us from future harm.
When we view emotions through this lens, it changes everything. Instead of trying to "fix" or get rid of a feeling in our child, we can get curious about it. We can ask, "What is this feeling telling us right now?" This shift from judgment to curiosity allows us to connect with our kids on a deeper level, to validate their experience, and to help them build the crucial skills of emotional regulation. We can acknowledge the feeling without condoning a problematic behavior. For example, "It's okay to feel angry that your brother took your toy, but it's not okay to hit."
This approach isn't just for our children; it's for us too. How often do we berate ourselves for feeling anxious or impatient? By treating our own emotions as signals, we can foster a sense of self-compassion and understanding. We can begin to see that our feelings are not character flaws but rather a fundamental part of the human experience, guiding us toward what we need and what needs to change. Just as Riley learns in the movie, a healthy sense of self is not about feeling joyful all the time, but about integrating all of our emotions and recognizing that they all have a place and a purpose.
